Truth... Is Sometimes Ugly

This evolved from the key board last night, apparently it never posted. As it's in keeping with the bigger picture of what this blog is about I shall post it now, a bit belated.

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Sometimes it's easier to avoid talking or say only what you think you're supposed to, rather than open your heart on subject.. when the truth is: you're speechless and don't know the 'right words for this' or afraid of the feelings 'coming out all wrong'... and of looking 'like an idiot' because you opened your mouth in the first place when you probably should've kept it shut. Etc, etc blah blah.

That's where I'm at this night, about the theater shooting in Aurora CO. Suddenly hit me (after I initially managed to missed the news) and now I'm sad and disturbed & almost speechless... yet I am also relieved that my daughter wasn't at the theater (she lives in CO). She's only recently come back into my life after almost 30 years of separation, not ready to lose her again so soon; not ready for this, either.  never am for sudden crisis and get bowled over so hard. The news vid I saw won't leave mind... thinking of the people who saw happen what I so can't even wrap my head around just now; emotions all over the place considering how they might feel; thinking of all the grief. Don' have words right now, don't know what to say; are there really any 'right words' for a time like this.. or would it be better to just be silent? Really don't wanna talk at all... only that's not really an option for anyone ready to talk about truth, is it? No, not with my history it ain't.

Today's Truth: sometimes the truth is ugly and sometimes it really hurts.

Truth: No Internal Peace is made Without It

The saying that truth (and only truth) can set us free comes to mind again with this.. strongly. Because without truth what Inner Peace can there be, really?

With *truth* in this context I don't mean: wearing my heart on my sleeve, telling everyone all that I see~think~feel... whether they want to hear it or not. That's a form of 'telling truth' that's (I guarantee it) surely not the ultimate best way in sharing... as I would painfully discover after a couple of decades (or longer) of being compelled to share all, with anybody who would listen.

What that became wasn't the kind of Honesty that's the best policy.  It was rather a form of venting that isn't "nice" and an attempt to release the inner pressure that had already built up to the breaking point. by that time. Like a dam breaking when I opened my yap all that I habitually held in came rolling out all at once. Because of my own fearfulness and and a number of along-the-way acquired misconceptions, at that time it simply didn't occur to me to say anything, ever, before the internal pressure got to that point... so what was building up within came flying out whenever I could no longer hold back the words. It wasn't nice, I wasn't nice... and it did a lot of damage. That's the truth I eventually had to face: that 'thing' I had become wasn't the person I wanted to be--but that's what I had somehow turned into. And I hated it... hated knowing.. hated me.

At the time I had no clue what the shame, grief, pain, and losses I had buried (so I wouldn't have to think about them) had to do with anything; had I known things might have had a chance to change even then. As it was, none of the 'baggage' I came with ever got talked about until much later; the years in between things occurring and things being brought out in the open were long, and troubled. I buried everything i wasn't comfortable with.. in the way of thoughts, emotions, and experiences. I know many who  "prefer" to not speak about certain things, and I know there is a time to speak and a time to be silent (now)... but I was taking the silence to the extreme as much as the speaking. and essentially it became a vicious cycle. A seemingly never-ending challenge to try and break it, for years; but no chance of that until truth came into the picture.

That, in a nutshell, is what 'qualifies' me to speak out on this subject (and any I see as connected to the main topic) ... as I choose to do here, as of a couple days ago. Why would I tell anyone all that about me, especially in a public domain like this?  I'll answer that Q: chances are you know someone like that.. or you yourself have stuff affecting you in a deeply impacting similar/different way. I want you to know there is Hope!

Important to mention:
the behavior set in after a crisis in my life at age 25--crisis and difficulties not getting addressed, or even acknowledged, however, began long before I got there. And even though the behaviors attested to the fact that I had "issues" (which I didn't want) those issues were like 'set in stone'.. that is to say: they didn't budge. Didn't "outgrow" them; even my most desperate and determined effort.did nothing to change the behaviors I tried my butt off to improve, for years. Change had to start with the truth about certain situations I'd never been able to face; no Inner Peace could be had till that happened; no real change could even begin without truth turning back up, to be faced at long last. (That's what makes me so sure: been there.)

As these blogs develop more will be revealed on the "how" ???  along the way. Ciao!

Truth... & The Capacity To Recognize It

Without digging too deep into the well-understood common-sense psych bag: basic (or "core") trust is established in early childhood. Even with our own naturally inborn ability to grasp truth intact we are, from the moment we first arrive on the planet, practically bombarded with a plethora of what "rings true"...as initially given to us by the warm & loving (or cold, loveless & cruel) environment we find ourselves in.

Consequently, our first exposure to truth is, by default, bound up in the people who look after us... and in how they see (or saw) their own life & purpose and their own little corner of the world. At this stage, being children, we took in everything "as is" and  as if  it were true; at that point completely lacking the faculties to recognize the potential for error, confusion or even delusion... which our environment may have been afflicted with before we came along. When we take in stuff presented to us  as true  it tends to stick... so later on in life we have to get our facts straight! Volumes have been written about how the experience factor can play out, later on. (And about what came from lies being 'fed' to the vulnerable by a predator, a sect, a cult, etc. producing a mindset that made an individual or group temporarily blind to anything other than the "script" they were taught to follow--to their own detriment and perhaps that of others.)

But even in the best of circumstances we may have been subject to the "clouding" of truth that someone close to us could not deal with, at the time.. or had experiences we never got over. In such events the effects may linger on till we get so used to them that they become, we think, part of who we "are" when in fact we may have been injured, or broken.

The taught 'conditioning' (to see as they saw/see) of the environment may clash with the remembered  'facts' (which may be, or not) and 'unacceptable' urges we were taught weren't okay (that maybe were).. One or the other, or both, may be in hidden or blazing conflict with intuitive 'hunches' that may not seems to not fit together with the rest.

Somewhere between these 3 different and often gray areas lies hidden the piece of truth that is lacking that we must find, if we would have peace.  Without a "map" of some sort it would be difficult if not impossible to find our way; a more objective gadget than our own often jumbled thoughts and emotions seems in order; sort of like a yardstick to measure against.. (Even if you, my dear reader, happen to be one of the ones who completely escaped the potential hazards of one or the other you may be inclined to agree. Surely you know of at least one person who has been through hell on Earth; who desperately needs to find a way to get back to the truth in their life that they lost sight of?)

By no means is the writer of this blog claiming to be an authority on what truth is; nor is this blog an attempt to make anybody believe anything they just can't agree with. This blog is an attempt to share gleanings found ('on the way back'  from the pit that ignorance dug).. so that the journey that provided them will have had a purpose after all. Please regard this post and all others that follow in that light. Thank you. More soon. Ciao!

Sanity Begins With Truth

Ever hear the saying "Truth will set you free?"  Well, it's true. So if you would be free within yourself there's no other way to get to personal freedom than to start with the truth! Whatever the truth may be... 

But that's exactly where we often run into trouble. It's so easy (and seems so necessary?) to get wrapped up in defending what we 'already know' to be the truth! And so easy to become 'blind' to anything other than our own perception, in that defensiveness we take on. This, though it seems to be, is really not a 'mental' exercise; what it boils down to is the need we all have to be heard and validated... that's exactly why discussion get so heated when we're on the warpath to defend our rights, and what we know to be true.

In that respect:truth is certainly 'relative' (as has so often been exclaimed) in that it is certainly a very personal affair what touches the heart--that's part of what makes things "real" for us.. which is part of the subconscious mechanics in discovering whether or not reality can be trusted, from the beginning. That part of experiencing the "What Is" is bound to be different (and can even be opposite) from one person to the next, one moment to the next. But truth also has a "principle" aspect that simply cannot be overridden by how we personally feel or don't feel; that aspect of truth is as solid as the Law of Gravity.. unchangeable by personal perception or preference. (Yes, I understand that man has found a way to overcome that unpalatable limitation when he invented airplanes, but you get my drift..) 

It is what it is; it does not budge or change character to suit anyone. And even though one gets hurt by ignoring the fundamental principle at work here: essentially speaking it's not there to hurt us but to keep our feet on the ground so we don't take off to space whee, without grounding of some sort, we get lost in the outer vastness.It's this "principle truth" or "truth principle" that sets us free when we embrace it; it is only when we see this truth as truth we get free!

In the blogs to come we'll be talking more about where it leads when one does. Ciao!