The saying that truth (and only truth) can set us free comes to mind again with this.. strongly. Because without truth what Inner Peace can there be, really?
With *truth* in this context I don't mean: wearing my heart on my sleeve, telling everyone all that I see~think~feel... whether they want to hear it or not. That's a form of 'telling truth' that's (I guarantee it) surely not the ultimate best way in sharing... as I would painfully discover after a couple of decades (or longer) of being compelled to share all, with anybody who would listen.
What that became wasn't the kind of Honesty that's the best policy. It was rather a form of venting that isn't "nice" and an attempt to release the inner pressure that had already built up to the breaking point. by that time. Like a dam breaking when I opened my yap all that I habitually held in came rolling out all at once. Because of my own fearfulness and and a number of along-the-way acquired misconceptions, at that time it simply didn't occur to me to say anything, ever, before the internal pressure got to that point... so what was building up within came flying out whenever I could no longer hold back the words. It wasn't nice, I wasn't nice... and it did a lot of damage. That's the truth I eventually had to face: that 'thing' I had become wasn't the person I wanted to be--but that's what I had somehow turned into. And I hated it... hated knowing.. hated me.
At the time I had no clue what the shame, grief, pain, and losses I had buried (so I wouldn't have to think about them) had to do with anything; had I known things might have had a chance to change even then. As it was, none of the 'baggage' I came with ever got talked about until much later; the years in between things occurring and things being brought out in the open were long, and troubled. I buried everything i wasn't comfortable with.. in the way of thoughts, emotions, and experiences. I know many who "prefer" to not speak about certain things, and I know there is a time to speak and a time to be silent (now)... but I was taking the silence to the extreme as much as the speaking. and essentially it became a vicious cycle. A seemingly never-ending challenge to try and break it, for years; but no chance of that until truth came into the picture.
That, in a nutshell, is what 'qualifies' me to speak out on this subject (and any I see as connected to the main topic) ... as I choose to do here, as of a couple days ago. Why would I tell anyone all that about me, especially in a public domain like this? I'll answer that Q: chances are you know someone like that.. or you yourself have stuff affecting you in a deeply impacting similar/different way. I want you to know there is Hope!
Important to mention:
the behavior set in after a crisis in my life at age 25--crisis and difficulties not getting addressed, or even acknowledged, however, began long before I got there. And even though the behaviors attested to the fact that I had "issues" (which I didn't want) those issues were like 'set in stone'.. that is to say: they didn't budge. Didn't "outgrow" them; even my most desperate and determined effort.did nothing to change the behaviors I tried my butt off to improve, for years. Change had to start with the truth about certain situations I'd never been able to face; no Inner Peace could be had till that happened; no real change could even begin without truth turning back up, to be faced at long last. (That's what makes me so sure: been there.)
As these blogs develop more will be revealed on the "how" ??? along the way. Ciao!
With *truth* in this context I don't mean: wearing my heart on my sleeve, telling everyone all that I see~think~feel... whether they want to hear it or not. That's a form of 'telling truth' that's (I guarantee it) surely not the ultimate best way in sharing... as I would painfully discover after a couple of decades (or longer) of being compelled to share all, with anybody who would listen.
What that became wasn't the kind of Honesty that's the best policy. It was rather a form of venting that isn't "nice" and an attempt to release the inner pressure that had already built up to the breaking point. by that time. Like a dam breaking when I opened my yap all that I habitually held in came rolling out all at once. Because of my own fearfulness and and a number of along-the-way acquired misconceptions, at that time it simply didn't occur to me to say anything, ever, before the internal pressure got to that point... so what was building up within came flying out whenever I could no longer hold back the words. It wasn't nice, I wasn't nice... and it did a lot of damage. That's the truth I eventually had to face: that 'thing' I had become wasn't the person I wanted to be--but that's what I had somehow turned into. And I hated it... hated knowing.. hated me.
At the time I had no clue what the shame, grief, pain, and losses I had buried (so I wouldn't have to think about them) had to do with anything; had I known things might have had a chance to change even then. As it was, none of the 'baggage' I came with ever got talked about until much later; the years in between things occurring and things being brought out in the open were long, and troubled. I buried everything i wasn't comfortable with.. in the way of thoughts, emotions, and experiences. I know many who "prefer" to not speak about certain things, and I know there is a time to speak and a time to be silent (now)... but I was taking the silence to the extreme as much as the speaking. and essentially it became a vicious cycle. A seemingly never-ending challenge to try and break it, for years; but no chance of that until truth came into the picture.
That, in a nutshell, is what 'qualifies' me to speak out on this subject (and any I see as connected to the main topic) ... as I choose to do here, as of a couple days ago. Why would I tell anyone all that about me, especially in a public domain like this? I'll answer that Q: chances are you know someone like that.. or you yourself have stuff affecting you in a deeply impacting similar/different way. I want you to know there is Hope!
Important to mention:
the behavior set in after a crisis in my life at age 25--crisis and difficulties not getting addressed, or even acknowledged, however, began long before I got there. And even though the behaviors attested to the fact that I had "issues" (which I didn't want) those issues were like 'set in stone'.. that is to say: they didn't budge. Didn't "outgrow" them; even my most desperate and determined effort.did nothing to change the behaviors I tried my butt off to improve, for years. Change had to start with the truth about certain situations I'd never been able to face; no Inner Peace could be had till that happened; no real change could even begin without truth turning back up, to be faced at long last. (That's what makes me so sure: been there.)
As these blogs develop more will be revealed on the "how" ??? along the way. Ciao!
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